


Heart in Grief

by chrisemrys



Series: DGM Events [10]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: But open to interpretation, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hint of JoydNea, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Open Ending, Poker Pair Week 2018, Theme: 7 Stage of Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-27 16:28:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15028598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisemrys/pseuds/chrisemrys
Summary: Grief is an emotion Allen knows well. It is an emotion that haunted him, not once, but twice. And yet, for a third time, grief hit him, alongside all its stage. And the irony of it all, is that for a third time, Mana is at the center of his grief.Alone the first time, given a purpose the second time, can Tyki give Allen love this third time? Can they find hope in the truth?(This is one of the possible future/sequel for Journey of Our Hearts!)[Written for Poker Pair Week 2018!]





	1. Disbelief

Hello dears!

Welcome to one of my two entry for Poker Pair Week 2018! This is a sequel to Journey of our Heart, however in the sense that it is one of the possible future after the end of Journey. So while it means Journey is a prequel to this, Heart in Grief is not the sole canon for sequel events. Especially as it center on only one of events that I can see Tyki and Allen eventually facing (and even though this treat of one event, Heart of Grief is not even the “canon” version of how it happens, just the one I chose to portray for this week, one of the possible ways).

This story will follow the overall theme of 7 stage of Grief, with one chapter for each stage. As such, I don't expect the story to be as long as Journey. Some chapters might be longer, or shorter, depending how much I write for the corresponding stage.  
Also, just saying this straight up, the ending of Heart in Grief will be open (like Journey's one was) and also hopeful! So feels will be soothed~

I hope you enjoy, and thank you pokerpairweek for hosting the event!

* * *

 

**Heart in Grief**

_Disbelief_

Tyki knew that this day would come. From the moment he stayed with Allen and never parted from him again, sending words that he was watching over the Fourteenth, he knew the Earl would eventually come to him. Tyki was amazed that Sheryl hadn't shown up before, no doubt his brother had been less then happy, probably claiming Allen had stolen yet another of his family.

Tyki internally snorted. _You got that right, Allen stole my heart._

Part of him had hoped that maybe the Earl accepted Tyki's decision in a silent manner; but in the end, the only surprise he felt at seeing the first apostle was the timing. Certainly, waking up with a still sleeping Allen in his arms, and his leader sitting on a log close to the dying fire, it would surprise anyone.

However, what truly shocked Tyki, would be that the Earl had chosen to not wear his suit. And what made Tyki unsure, almost sceptic of the Earl's intentions, was the blankness of the older man's stare, fixed on the white hairs of the head that rested pressed to Tyki's chest.

“… Earl.” Tyki greeted softly, almost hesitant, unconsciously tightening his arms around Allen.

The Earl moved his gaze to meet Tyki's, and the Noah of Pleasure felt even more thrown off as the man's expression grew… soft?

“Tyki-pon~ Is this why you haven't come see your family in a while?” The Earl sniffed. “Is he more important than us?”

Tyki tensed, but before he could speak, a sleepy voice cut in. “Don't tease Tyki, dad.”

Tyki and the Earl both stared at Allen, but the young man didn't seem to be awake. Or well, Tyki knew Allen was waking, but certainly not yet functionning properly. Indeed, Allen finally opened his eyes, blinking up at Tyki, before shifting his gaze.

Allen blinked at the grey skinned and golden eyed Earl, the Earl blinked back, tilting his head in curiosity which made the row of stigmatas stand out even more, and then Allen's eyes widened. He sat up, making both Tyki and the Earl startle a bit, and Allen opened his mouth to speak, but no sound left him except a sort of dying whine that Tyki interpreted as an utter lack of knowing what to feel.

Tyki wrapped an arm around Allen's waist, pushing him against his chest, and his free hand petting Allen's hairs. The younger man snapped his gaze up, the depth of how lost and vulnerable those silver eyes were making Tyki draw in a sharp breath. Had Allen recognized the Millenium Earl then?

But why such an extreme reaction?

Allen nuzzled back into Tyki's before he looked back at the Earl with a look that could only be described as the look of a lost child. The look changed to something almost broken as the golden eyes resting on him seemed to have grown soft again.

“My dear fourteenth-”

“Allen.” Allen cut in sharply, but almost desperately.

The Earl flinched back, gaze growing confused. His heart clenched, and almost like a scolded child, he mumbled, “Isn't it the same?”

It was Allen's turn to flinch, and Tyki hugged him tighter, with both arms. Timcanpy had fluttered to sit on Allen's shoulder, nuzzling his neck. The Noah of Pleasure looked into the Earl's eyes, replying softly, “Am I Joyd or Tyki?”

Understanding seemed to pass in the Earl's gaze, while Allen just stared at the man, seeming unable to do anything else now. The Earl smiled at Allen, who drew in a breath, feeling himself swallow down tears.

“Allen. Take care of Tyki-pon, will you?”

Tyki was shocked, he had never thought that the Earl might, in fact, so easily accept that Tyki wanted to stay with Allen. Had he come only to see with his own eyes how Tyki had been doing? To see how Allen was doing?

His shock seemed small compared to Allen's one, though. All Allen could say was, “I-what?”

The Earl chuckled, though there was something… sad in his gaze. “Tyki-pon will hate me if I try to take him back, or maybe even more if I try to take you with us.” The way Tyki's body tensed confirmed those words, for both Allen who sensed it and the Earl who saw it. “I don't want my family to hate me.” He looked at Allen, almost through Allen, who still seemed so lost on what to feel. “And you would hate me even more, too.”

Allen was just too shocked, too lost, to give any sort of reply. Was the Earl giving a blessing to Tyki and he? Was he really choosing to let them travel off, just so they would not hate him?

Those were also Tyki's questions, but at the same time, Tyki didn't feel as surprised. For all the Earl seemed to place the Noahs as pieces on a chessboard, there was no denying the love of the first apostle for his clan. Yet, what still shocked Tyki was how easy it felt.

He would worry about a ploy, a test; but the Earl's gaze was too genuine. More than Tyki had ever seen.

And if Tyki was honest, it was the first time he was seeing the Earl so… calm. At peace, almost. With how the Earl had never stopped looking at Allen, Tyki felt that it was all thanks to the young man.

Sadly, Tyki could tell the same couldn't be said for Allen. While the Earl seemed so at peace with Allen's presence, Allen looked as if the ground had been taken from under his feet. The Earl seemed to notice too, because with a sight, he stood up.

“You are both welcome to go home when you desire to. Tyki-pon knows how to contact me. I would like you two to be safe at home.” He tipped his hat down, chuckling. “But it seemed it isn't yet the time. Take care, Tyki, Allen.”

And with those words, a black gate appeared under his feet, the Earl being swallowed down.

Tyki and Allen both stared at where the Earl had been standing. Then, Tyki felt Allen's frame starting to tremble, and when he glanced, Tyki felt half panicked as tears were now flowing from Allen's eyes, frame shaking even more.

Tyki was quick to turn Allen, to hug him to his chest, petting down his hair and back with sushing sounds. Allen started to cry for real, sobs that made Tyki's own eyes a bit misty and his heart clenching, and when Allen started to brokenly mumble, Tyki felt he both had an answer and even more confusion.

“Mana… Mana… Why… Why was he Mana?”

_To be continued…_

* * *

 

 _Note:_ I wanted to clear this right away, but there was indeed hints that something happened in Adam/Mana's mind. I would say he doesn't outright recall being Mana, but considering this is also based on my headcanons and canonverse au, let's say Mana does surface for a bit, but not fully. Also, Adam/Mana was indeed teasing Tyki, and that's why Allen says what he says when he wakes, he unconsciously recognize Mana's way of teasing (which is why he says dad).  
And, yes, it is Allen's presence that allowed Mana to surface, if aided by Adam/Mana's own fatherly instinct.

On another note, the whole Joyd/Tyki is because Tyki is awakened now fully, but he still try to keep a certain degree of his own self separated to Joyd, and Tyki is the Noah that has this separaration the most. So by saying what he says, he basically tell Adam/Mana that Allen is the same, that he should not be fully mixed with the Fourteenth. And to be honest, that's also when Tyki subtly let Adam/Mana know that Tyki is trying to help Allen keep this duality, be the Fourteenth and Allen both.  
However, Adam/Mana does accept for them to continue travelling for the reason he said: he doesn't want them to hate him for forcefully bringing them home. And as Tyki guessed, Adam/Mana was worried and wanted to check on them both (he was a bit worried Tyki was drifting away too, but he genuinely felt worry for both).


	2. Denial

Hello dears!

I happy to see this has been well received, thank you for the comments, likes and follows I have gotten already!

Today's chapter is Denial, it is shorter than Disbelief but it felt better, because otherwise it was already starting to go toward tomorrow's chapter (Bargaining). In a sense, the first chapter was longer to introduce the story, and because the disbelief part was stronger. The denial, however, isn't as strong because Allen would not stay in denial for long (even if he is still unsure and confused, he knows this was Mana, or Mana's face as he has yet to fully accept it is Mana).

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 

_ Denial _

Allen sat in front of the fire as Tyki finished making the breakfast, and while the young man sensed his partner's gaze on him, he couldn't quite snap out of his staring contest with the dancing flames. Even when Tyki made the fire stop, all Allen did was glance with a faint, weak smile as he was given his plate.

Tyki's presence beside him did comfort him, though. It helped making him feel real.

But then, the man that had been there minutes ago had to be real, too.

A warm hand gently, carefully brushed down Allen's back; and the white haired looked at Tyki. Concern and confusion were in those golden eyes, but the Noah only smiled before starting to eat. He wouldn't try to make Allen speak, but he was here.

Allen felt grateful. Now if only his thoughts could organize…

Because surely, the simple truth of _Mana is the Millenium Earl_ could not be fact?

Tyki noticed how Allen's hands clenched on his plate, and the man felt his worry strenghten, alongside the sensation of helplessness. Should he try to push Allen to speak now? Should he ask why Allen mentionned Mana?

A part of him understood what exactly Allen had implied. A part of him made sense of the sentence, why was he Mana.

The sentence made sense, but not what it meant. Mana had been Allen's father, hadn't he? The same father that had died, that Allen had called back. The same Mana that planted this vivid red curse on Allen's face.

So how could the first apostle, the Millenium Earl, be Mana? He had never even seemed to recall Allen as anyone else but the Exorcist that he called a torn in his side.

Surely, the fact that the Earl was Mana, could not be true?

Allen let out a sigh, and leaned against Tyki. The man placed his plate down, and let an arm wrap around Allen's shoulders, turning his head so he could nuzzle Allen's hairs.

“This can't be true...” Allen murmured. “He can't be...”

Tyki pressed a kiss to Allen's temple, lingering. “I do not have an answer… But I promise you, we will figure it out.”

Allen did not reply, but Tyki knew his words meant something to his boy.

He knew Allen needed Tyki more than ever, whether it was false or true.

Especially if it turned out to be true.

_To be continued..._


	3. Bargaining

Hello dears!

So here is the fun story, I thought this chapter might be hard to work on, because in my head it summarized as Allen bargaining that Mana might not be the same Mana. And until I sat down to write on it, I was still a bit unsure of what I could write, and thinking it would be short.

And then minutes before I sat down, I started getting a small idea, nothing much, just how to start the chapter. And then I started writing and it just rolled on its own. I think most of it is a bit more of compromises rather than straight up barganing, but in a sense it still fits, right?  
Oh, and the chapter was ready hours ago but then I was offline so. I will be working soon on the next chapter, and I would post it once I finish it (and from Heart of Innocent Sins), which might mean sometimes in five or six hours.

And so that's how I ended up with a chapter that I believe is, in fact, a bit longer than the first one. Which, of course, I am happy for~

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 

_ Bargaining _

They were on the road again very soon after breakfast, dressing and packing done almost automatically for Allen. Tyki had observed the younger man, heart clenching at how easily he detected that Allen's mind was elsewhere, at how there was not much expression than a blankness that was no mask but rather, the inability to know what to feel.

Allen Walker was a pro at his masks, his poker face; and even if Tyki had been allowed in, it was still the first time he saw Allen with nothing masking his emotions. Indeed, despite the lack of expression, those silver eyes were another matter.

Uncertain, lost, confused, denial, pain…

It had been Tyki's small victory that when he took Allen's left hand in his own, those emotions lessened for a few seconds, instead gazing up at the Noah with sparks of fondness and gratefulness.

Tyki did not mind that Allen had stayed mostly silent, instead filling the air between them as they walked with soft humming. The tightness of Allen's grip told the man well enough that his boy was hearing him, that Tyki still provided the grounding and comfort Allen's heart needed.

Wanting anything more would be unwise, but Tyki could compromise with the little shows that he helped. He could accept that right now, Allen needed the little actions rather than big ones.

A soft smile pulled at Tyki's lips when finally, Allen unconsciously walked closer, almost leaning into Allen's body. The man would slip an arm around Allen's shoulders, but he knew their held hands soothed Allen a lot right now.

Tyki could feel the gentle warmth of Crown Clown after all.

So instead, he simply pulled Allen a bit closer, leaning down to press a kiss at Allen's cheek when the younger man half turned his head to look.

Allen blinked, and then finally, his lips showed a smile. It was small, it was sad, but it was genuine. Tyki's heart skipped a beat, and he found himself pausing in his steps, making Allen stop too. His free hand lifted to cup Allen's right cheek, he tilted Allen's head up a bit, and kissed Allen's lips.

It was as if Tyki snapped something in Allen, because in the next moment, Allen's body pressed close, right arm wrapped around Tyki's neck and lips kissing back deeply. But never dropping the hold of Tyki's hand with his left one.

Tyki slipped his right hand at the back of Allen's head, tangling fingers with the white hairs, and nipped at Allen's bottom lip. A gasp and Allen's lips parted, Tyki's own lips capturing one before his tongue entered Allen's mouth, chests pressed together as they kissed.

When they parted, Allen had a beautiful flush to his cheeks that made Tyki rumble appreciatively, golden eyes heated and intense.

Neither quite knew who leaned close again, maybe both, but then their foreheads were pressed together. Allen's eyes had closed and Tyki observed with half lidded ones as the younger's expression softened, a sigh passing his lips.

A smile showed again, and Tyki felt himself loose tension when he saw it was a bit bigger than the previous one, a bit more happy, and a bit peaceful.

“I'm glad… you're here.” Allen stated simply, silver eyes opening again. The sadness seemed to come back, but Tyki knew there was no way to expect it would leave anytime soon.

“There's nowhere else I'd want to be.” Tyki replied, feeling a small grin form at the blush those words created.

He pecked at Allen's lips again; and then they were walking again.

Tyki started to hum, and then chuckled as he heard Allen join. However, not even a few minutes later, the younger man turned thoughtful, forgetting to hum, and Tyki slowly stopped humming himself, waiting patiently.

“Do you think… He might not be Mana? Not the same Mana, I mean.”

Tyki felt a bit confused at first by Allen's soft question. “I'm guessing he looks the same?”

Allen breathed out a laugh. “Yes, I would never mistake the face I've wanted to see again for years.” A thumb brushed at the back of Allen's left hand, sending a small shiver up his left arm alongside comforting warmth. “But… Not just that… The way he speaks and acts…” He had to swallow rising tears, though Timcanpy's paws petting his hairs helped keep them down. “It's not the same, but it's similar… If he wouldn't be Mana, then he's damn well close.”

Tyki hummed in understanding. “He might not be the one who raised you, but one way or another, he has ties to him?”

Allen's expression wavered, torn between the pain that maybe it wasn't the man that raised him, and the puzzlement of how he could look like Mana.

Tyki watched questionningly as Allen lifted his right hand, resting it against his chest, over his heart, with a frown. He could tell that something occurred to Allen, and sure enough, the younger man soon voice a thought. No, a fact.

“Shishou… told me the Fourteenth had been Mana's younger brother. Maybe… Maybe they weren't just two?”

Tyki widened his eyes at the theory. “But… the Earl has always been around. He never reincarnated.” He paused, frowning, while Allen gazed up at him, unsure and confused by the headache this was being. “Although… Our Noah's Memory has been damaged from, ah, how the last genation ended.”

“So there is no telling what happened during the previous generation?” Allen summarized, to which Tyki nodded.

“Except that for the first time, there was a new Noah, the Fourteenth, who eventually turned against us.” Tyki could feel Joyd stirr at the thoughts, angered but also pained. However, deep down, Tyki could feel his inner Noah… hope? Was he hoping that maybe it was more complicated that a simple treason?

Noahs loved their fellow Noahs after all, and like the Earl, deep down the Inner Noahs wanted the Fourteenth back too.

“Shishou told me Mana and the Fourteenth run off together. I.. Now that I think about it...” He leaned his body against Tyki's arm, frowning lightly. “I remember… Mana once mentionned a brother, that he was looking for him, and hiding from a earl. He never talked about it again, and at first I would ask but he seemed… agitated about it. So I stopped and I guess that was why we moved around. But we never found this brother, or felt like anyone chased us.”

Amusingly, Tyki sighed just when Allen did it again. Their eyes met, and they chuckled together. Tyki kissed Allen's temple.

“Mana… I also knew something had happened to him, because… Sometimes he didn't seem to be quite there, and sometimes on the contrary, it felt as if he really was seeing me and the world around him.” Allen admitted softly. “That's the moments I knew… That I really was his son, Allen. Not a dog or replacement.”

“Dog?” Tyki confused expression made Allen's laugh.

“Well… He kind of named me after his dog companion, who died before he took me in. In fact… Allen was the whole reason I really met Mana.” Golden eyes were curious on him, and Allen found himself sharing more than he ever did to anyone.

He started speaking about an orphan that only vaguely remembered an orphenage before the streets, never remembering any name he might have had. An orphan who eventually got caught stealing, made to work until the shop owner saw his arm and sell him to a circus. How at least circus members didn't mind a freak among them, only vaguely hinting that one was just an asshole. The word had been spoken with venom, but it was the still underlying fear that made Tyki half wish to track down the bastard.

But nothing compared to the warm feeling as Tyki watched Allen's expression brighten as he spoke of how a dog held no fear and only a desire to play. Shadows danced for a moment as Allen slipped and said the dog was killed, and then he was bright again, saying that for the first time, the second clown fully took notice of the boy, when both stood at the dog's grave.

“So maybe he kind of had a moment of not being there and mistook me for, apparently, his reincarnated dog. But I didn't mind… I felt like I could be Allen, too.”

Tyki smiled, kissing Allen's cheek while purring out, “You make a great Allen,” and feeling some delight at the little blush.

He felt even more delighted at how he had managed to get Allen to think of happier thoughts. He knew it was a temporary solution, that they would have to deal with the confusing issue eventually.

But if Allen could smile for a bit longer, Tyki would gladly bargain for anything that kept that smile there.

_To be continued..._


	4. Guilt

Hello dears!

Here we have next chapter, Guilt. We go back to a short chapter, and poor Allen dealing with guilt resulting from trying to compromise, to think of the possibilies that the Earl isn't really Mana, because now he feels guilty from, in his mind, rejecting Mana (if Mana is indeed alive).

I hope you enjoy~

* * *

 

_ Guilt _

The feeling hit Allen without warning, then again, maybe he should have seen it coming. Talking about Mana, about those happy years, and having Tyki share about himself had done a good job distracting his mind.

So when they fell into a comforting silence, maybe it was not that surpising that guilt crawled into his heart, into his mind.

_How can you push aside the matter?_

_How can you reject Mana's presence?_

Allen tried to ignore the questions, the harsh whispers of his mind, but it only made the guilt strenghten. He had missed Mana so much, had wished that death didn't tear him away. He had tried to atone, and then to continue walking as Mana wanted.

So why was he rejecting that maybe, his path had lead him back to Mana? Was his love to Mana conditional that the mere fact he might be the Earl was enough to not want the man to be alive, if only so he wouldn't be the Earl?

“Allen?” Tyki's voice called, concerned and soft.

The white haired blinked, and that when he realized two things. One, they had slowed to a stop.

Two, tears were falling down his eyes.

Allen moved his hand to brush tears off, but he barely raised it that Tyki's own hand was oh so tenderly brushing his cheek, thumb catching off tears. Silver eyes dropped, face leaning into the touch even if he directed it downward.

Tyki felt himself smile sadly. He stepped closer, kissing the top of Allen's head before slipping an arm around the younger's shoulders, bringing him to his chest, other hand drifting to cup the back of his head.

“Do you want us to take a break? I'm sure we can find a nice place to camp at, further into the fields. We can send Tim and my Tease to find one.”

Allen nodded without words, arms having slowly wrapped around Tyki's chest. Then, his voice came muffled, “I'm sorry...”

Tyki's eyes shadowed, and he leaned back a bit, moving the hand at his hairs under Allen's chin, lifting his head. “Don't, Allen. You don't have to apologize for having a heart.”

Silver eyes widened a bit, and a mix of relief and sadness washed over the younger man. _That's right… I don't need to mask myself with Tyki…_

The guilt that he almost tried to, was soon soothed away by the strong arms holding him close again, and he allowed himself to cry again, to hold Tyki just as tightly, breathe in his scent and listen to his heartbeat.

Tyki let his hand pet those white hairs, knowing how much Allen loved the sensation, and deep down he wondered whether or not it had been a good idea to try distracting Allen's mind. He had looked to brighten, recalling good memories, hearing about Tyki himself.

Was it why though, that the sadness and confusion seemed to hit Allen again full force? Had he made it worse?

A muffled chuckle echoed, and Tyki blinked, noticing the silver eyes peering at him. “Stop looking as if you are the one who hurt me.” He leaned up, lips feather like against Tyki's. “I don't know how I would be doing, if you weren't here.”

Tyki's eyes softened, and he kissed lightly Allen's lips, then he smiled dryly. “I should be the one comforting you.” He chided, half to himself.

Allen let out a small laugh. “You are, Tyki. You are.” He sighed, closing his eyes and his weight seemed to rest even more against Tyki. “It's just… so confusing. I feel like… Everything I knew was thrown off...”

Tyki tightened his hold, lips pressing and lingering at the forehead. “That's to be expected, Shonen.” He paused, watching as Timcanpy landed on Allen's head and two Teases on his shoulder, while one Tease fluttered above them. “Seems like our little ones found a place we can camp at.”

A sigh of relief passed Allen's lips before he even knew it, and he gave a small, shaky smile at Tyki. “Let's go, then.”

Neither of them would naively think Allen would be fine soon, but wasn't it why they were stopping in their travels, away from civilization?

Indeed, it felt like a relief for Allen, to realize he would have nothing to worry about, no one to hide from, and the grounding presence of Tyki.

And if he felt guilt for giving Tyki so much to deal with, the stubborness in which Tyki continued to stay, to reassure him, melted into Allen's heart like the warmth of the sun.

_To be continued..._


	5. Anger

Hello dears!

Today is the 5th chapter out of 7, and the theme is Anger~ The fun fact is, while the initial does show a bit (anger at realizing that Mana being the Earl means that his own father is the one who has been making Akumas and threatening humanity), I feel that in the end, what this chapter truly illustrate is a lack of anger.

In a sense, it fits. Because Tyki is able to give a grounding peace to Allen, Allen has not fallen into the stage of anger, and also, he already have Tyki that is both light and dark. Allen has already made some peace with loving someone who is complex, light and dark; and so he doesn't feel as angry as he might be if it was not the case.

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 

_ Anger _

Allen had not thought he could get a sense of peace so soon, and it was not as if he was truly without stress. But sitting here with his back against Tyki's chest, the man himself sitting against a tree; with arms wrapped loosely around his waist and lips pressing little kisses at the back of his neck and his shoulders, Allen could feel some of tension leave him.

He felt that maybe, he would not break the moment he let thoughts come to him.

Tears had dried after a bit, and maybe it had helped, to let them flow, when Tyki's comforting presence had remained steadfast. The view was nice too, just fields of grasses with some trees and bushes, and they chose a flowery little clearing, while half hidden by the tree and bushes.

Allen could look while just letting his mind blank, just enjoying Tyki's little kisses and few touches. Like the hand that rubbed up and down his left arm right now. Allen tilted his head a bit, giving a small smile at Tyki.

The Noah returned the smile, pressing his face to Allen's shoulder again, soon nuzzling toward his neck. Allen chuckled, lifting one hand to pet Tyki's hairs.

It occurred to Allen that the Fourteenth had been strangely… calm. He would have thought the presence of the Earl, or the turmoil that followed, would have caused the Fourteenth to stirr. Yet, while Allen did feel the quiet presence, there was a lack of hostility. Something had shifted within him, and within the Fourteenth, too.

“You know… For someone who claimed he wanted to kill the Earl, it seemed the Fourteenth had no wish to do so this time… And I can't help but wonder if it is because… Because it really was Mana...” Allen voiced, quietly.

Tyki silently pressed his lips to Allen's neck, showing he was listening, not yet talking, encouraging Allen to share more of his thoughts.

“He's here, you know? The Fourteenth...” Allen felt Tyki tense, and he chuckled, petting the man's hairs again. “He's not being mean.” He added, half jokingly. Then more seriously, he admitted, “It's like… He's watching me. But… waiting for my reaction?” He shook his head. “I don't want to blindly hope, but it feels… as if he's watching over me.”

Tyki hummed, smiling against his neck. “Maybe he isn't as eager to hurt you as he seemed. He certainly has been… quiet for a while. But so has been Joyd.”

Allen let out a small laugh. “You think it's their way of approving?” He teased, but deep down, he wondered if it might be true after all. Then he sighed. “But it makes me feel that… that he is Mana. I feel like… The Fourteenth just didn't want me to know.”

Tyki straightened, glancing down in surprise. “Are you saying he thought it would be better if you never learned it?”

Allen shrugged. “All I know is that I can feel something changed… And now that I feel him just there, without hostility, it feels as if he was… too violent?”

Now that was something Tyki could understand. “When Joyd was first released thanks to you, they were really violent, they wanted to take over me. But they calmed down and we have some, ah, balance? Repressing them had contained too much their feelings. Deformed those feelings.”

“And the Fourteenth had been dormant for years, and I've been repressing him for months...” He felt guilt form, lifting a hand to press against his heart. “I wanted to understand him, though… But I never could, because I had to run.”

Tyki's eyes softened, if unseen by Allen. He brought Allen even closer, nuzzling the top of those white hairs. “But now, you are safe. We can work to let you speak to him. We can work out if the Earl really is the same Mana you have known.”

Allen nodded, relaxing back with a long sigh. “You're right, we can work it out… I still can't believe it though… I've been taught and trained all under the idea that the Earl was the enemy to defeat. The one who abused people's grief.” He opened his eyes, just gazing forward. “How can the man I love as a father, be the same one that has done all those things?”

It was obvious Allen didn't even want to voice the things he did not approve of, Tyki realized. The Noah could not feel he cared as much, but he did care about the suffering Allen was going through. It made him wonder, too, if Allen had suffered about the feelings they shared, if Allen had been confused or unsure, if he hid it.

If Allen had so much trouble handling that the Earl was someone he loved, was it because it was different, or had he also suffered from loving Tyki, an enemy? Was there feelings of anger that Allen still had?

“Are you… angry at him?” Tyki asked, guilty that what he really wanted to see, to know, was how much or how little Allen might eventually find unacceptable.

Allen blinked, then he let out a breath of laughter. “I had always been angry, that the Earl tormented souls, I've been angry for the hurt and loss caused directly or indirectly. But I… I thought… No one told me he was anything else but a monster. But then… I discovered there were the Noahs, that humans supported him… And now… Now I know he's human too, and one that for me, had been all that was good about humans...” His hands clenched. “I am angry… that he doesn't recognize me. That he forgot me. I'm angry that I do not know what is true. The man that raised me, or the Earl?”

To Tyki, it sounded more sorrow than anger, or maybe both. His arms tightened, and then he moved Allen's body a bit, half turning him so he could lean down, press their lips together. “I think...” He started, lips barely parted from Allen's. “If he is Mana, then both are true. The Earl… is like a father to me. He's like a father to all of us.”

Something flashed into Allen's eyes, the anger and sorrow softening with understanding. He smiled, sad yet soft. “I see… You are all like this, aren't you?” He lifted his hand, brushing Tyki's cheek. “So lovable...”

Tyki kissed the inside of his wrist. “Only you, though, would show us care.” He said, amused. “I know how much you value lives and souls, much more than others, and yet you still look for the good.”

Allen felt his cheeks heat up a bit, his gaze dropping. “I can never accept how Akumas are made, or that innocents are being killed.” He murmured, then he pressed his palmed over Tyki's chest, feeling his heartbeat. Sensing the worry in the slight difference of the usual steady, calm thumps. “But if the Order taught me one thing, it is that nothing is fully pure. So then, nothing is fully dark, right? I just… want to protect the ones I love.”

Tyki felt his lips stretch into a fond smile, chest swelling with warmth. “I want to protect you.” He admitted softly, enjoying the slight widening of silver eyes. If Allen could indirectly tell Tyki he loved him, then the Noah could do the same. “And it seems, Mana or not Mana, the Earl doesn't want to harm you.”

Allen rested his head against Tyki's shoulder, humming. And then he laughed a bit. “The more I think about it, and the more I realize… it all comes down to what I want-or don't want. But how can I decide, when I don't even have all the informations?”

Tyki felt his heart constrict at the frustrated sigh from Allen. He kissed the younger man's cheek, one hand brushing his hairs. “But at least now, we know where to look.”

The white haired offered a smile. “Yes, that is true.” He closed his eyes, sighing. “I… don't think I can yet face the Earl. And I'm not sure… how well I am, to face the Fourteenth.”

The Noah's chest rumbled with chuckles. “No one said you had to do it now, Shonen.”

Allen closed his eyes with a peaceful smile, soothed. “I guess you're right, Tyki.”

For now, he should just focus on fixing the broken foundations that this morning's reveal had caused, shouldn't he?

_To be continued..._


	6. Depression

Hello dears!

Here we have chapter six, Depression, which is the second to last chapter! As theme suggest, poor Allen goes back into a low, and deals with it as he can with Tyki. You will there are signs of a depressive state, though I would say this isn't a deep, lasting depression.  
Sometimes I forget myself this has technically been happening during the same day (or two days). But then, it is logical, because while this has shaken Allen, Tyki is providing support, and it is not the same as the grief of losing someone (instead, we can say he is actually finding again someone).

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 

_ Depression _

By the time Allen realized his mind had lied to itself, made him think he had regained some peacefulness, it was too late. Lulled in a sense of casuality, he had wanted to play Poker with Tyki. The Noah had not refused, though unlike Allen, the slight concern still in his golden eyes betrayed Tyki was not certain what to make of it.

It soon became obvious that Allen had no problem playing, poker face perfect. Too much, in Tyki's taste. The Noah did not say anything though, but when he first saw Allen's composure break, emotions starting to show, both from the games and from other things, Tyki was not surprised.

Allen lost the first hand since the start of the game, and the scowl that barely hide the confusion made the Noah want to reach out and brush off the expression. Before he could, Allen was already dealing, a stubborn set of his jaws telling that the younger man felt a need to play again.

Tyki internally sighed. He could see that trying to make Allen stop might not be received well, but he would be damned if he did not keep an eye on how it progressed. The white haired won the next game, smiling at Tyki, and the man smiled back, breathing out a laugh.

And then Allen lost again, without surprise for Tyki who had seen the faint happiness at winning easily shaken and swallowed by the rising emotions. He did get a shock when tears started to fall from Allen's eyes, the frustration winning over the mask he had tried to keep.

Tyki had droppped his cards and moved to hug Allen to his chest before Allen even fully registered what happened. He blinked, and then it hit him full force, thoughts of how fake he felt, trying to act casual, and he hugged back, burying his face in Tyki's chest.

Less and less Allen felt that he could deny that the Earl was Mana, and as confusing as it still was, as much as the truth might still be different, or even more complicated… The meaning of it all felt almost too much.

Because it was not just about how it meant Mana was the same person that created Akuma, that he had been fighting against; but it also forced to the surface the questions he had been avoiding.

What should he do now? What could he fight for? Was anyone right? Were they all wrong? And what about Mana, forgetting a few years of his life? Was something wrong with him?

Tyki's hand tangled in Allen's hairs, playing with strands, and the man's lips brushed at his forehead. Allen had mentionned once, how General Cross had been the one to snap him out of the shock after Mana's death.

Part of him felt glad Allen had not grown into an unresponsive state, as Tyki was not sure if he would have known what to do, what to say. Yet, there was no denying the shock that Allen was facing, and Tyki wondered if maybe, he was experiencing all over again the same grief, except this time, the emotions showed.

It did not matter if they half guessed what they could do to try understanding. It did not erase the reality of what they discovered, and just like loosing his father, discovering he might be Mana was a reality that could not be digested with ease.

It was one that could also easily break; but Tyki would not allow it. He would hold Allen as many times as needed, let him cry into his shoulder as often as he needed.

For Tyki too, this changed it all. Not only did it mean their leader had made Allen family from the start, but it meant something was not right, and so, Tyki could not turn a blind eye. For Allen's sake, for the sake of all the Noahs, Tyki knew this was a matter they needed to clear.

* * *

 

“Shonen, I can believe I'm saying this, but won't you eat more?”

Allen gazed at Tyki, the small reassuring smile he tried to give falling at how concerned Tyki looked. His silver eyes dropped, and he mumbled, “I don't feel hungry though.”

The man sighed, and sat beside Allen, their shoulders touching. “One more sausage?” He asked, though it was a bit muffled.

Allen glanced to the side, and snickered as he realized said sausage was halfway in Tyki's mouth. “Usually, it's a rose, Tyki. Or do you mean another kind of sausage?”

Tyki felt his cheeks heat up, and he bit down on the sausage, munching a bite while he handed the rest to Allen, or to be precise, pressed it against his mouth. “If you want another kind of sausage, get this one first.”

Allen glared, but then he smirked, and Tyki gulped. “How about I get both?” He purred, and before the Noah knew it, Allen had moved, pining Tyki to the ground.

Allen felt merciful and did not comment on the squeak. Tyki knew it only meant the younger would not give mercy now. The thought was confirmed as Allen wrapped a hand around Tyki's wrist, and slowly, he put the sausage as well as Tyki's fingers in his mouth, tongue coming to lick at said fingers before he pulled back, dragging the sausage with him.

Tyki felt that no one should have such a heated look while eating a sausage. But at least, it was one more sausage in Allen's stomach.

The white haired, straddling Tyki's waist, put his hand to each side of the man's head, gazing down with half lidded eyes and the faint aura of Black Allen.

“You think I don't know what you did, Tyki dear?” He smirked as Tyki gulped. “But fine, if you want me to eat, I will feast.”

Tyki let out a groan, closing his eyes. He was so, so _screwed_. Figuratively, and soon, quite literally.

* * *

 

Golden eyes watched the younger man that rested on his chest, breathing soft and slow, bringing relief to the Noah that for now, Allen seemed to sleep peacefully.

Or that Allen was sleeping, period.

It had taken a while, more activities, some food, and cuddles; before Tyki finally saw Allen doze off. It was not that the white haired had refused to sleep, but simply that like hunger, Allen had not seemed to feel tired.

Not physically, at least.

Neither had made any true mention of it, instead simply finding something to do, even if small, and it had prevented most of the restlessness Allen had only lightly displayed. Tyki half expected that Allen would sleep a lot now though, or so Tyki hoped.

“If you can hear me… Don't bother him, Fourteenth.” Tyki murmured quietly, brushing a hand through the white hairs. Because he knew that Allen's mind was at his weakest right now.

However, Tyki never expected golden eyes to open and look at him silently, and he inhaled sharply, staring back for a second before he hissed. Yet, he felt himself freeze at the slight widening of those golden eyes, the slight fear and near panic, but also the uncertainty and hesitation.

“I… didn't mean to?” The voice that left those lips was smoother, deeper, and almost musical. Tyki had no doubt who it was. “But he's deeply asleep… and you almost called my Noah's Memory.”

Tyki blinked at the almost scolding, and then something clicked. “Wait-not you?”

The Noah possessing Allen right now hesitantly nodded. “I'm Nea. Don't… don't call me by my number. It stirrs otherwise. You should… tell Allen that too. If he wants to safely talk to me… He needs to fully undetsand to reach for me, not it.”

Tyki blinked again, but looking into Nea's eyes, he saw no lie. He did not even feel the murderous aura they had felt back when the Fourteenth was awakened by Kanda Yuu's blow. “I see…” His arms tightened slightly, and the body in them tensed. “You won't hurt him?”

The offense of Nea's expresion was so deep it was almost comical. “I won't.” He growled out, eyes flashing and the aura, while not murderous, was dark. “Don't think you're the only one caring. I will rip you into pieces if you ever hurt him.”

Despite the threat, Tyki found himself relaxing, raising an eyebrow. He chuckled at the light blush on those cheeks. “Glad we can agree. So… this is really more complicated?”

Nea snorted. “You have no idea.” He shook his head. “But Allen needs to take his time to understand and learn. Though...” Nea's eyes softened. “It's easier now that you're here.”

A hand gently brushed at Nea's cheek, and he tensed from the darkness of the arm's skin, the sensation of dark matter. The golden eyes on Tyki had changed, and he knew who it was.

“Joyd...” Nea swallowed, unsure. He didn't expect the touch to remain soft though, and his gaze grew confused.

“I tried… to recall you...” Joyd spoke, and he hummed as Nea stared at Tyki's face, understanding in his eyes. “But all I recalled… was your crying face.” He brushed a thumb as if removing tears. “If I can understand… I'll reserve my judgement for later.”

And with that, golden eyes blinked, and Tyki was back, if a bit confused. “Did Joyd just show..?”

Nea just stared for a second, throat closing off. He swallowed, and felt the body loosen, eyes closing “Yeah… I guess you all just want to understand… That's good.”

“Nea?” Tyki's tone showed his slight worry.

Nea chuckled. “It's not easy for me to be in control. Even less considering I don't want to control him.” Still, he opened his eyes halfway. “Allen can reach me in our mind, Crown Clown knows how to. Might not be easy… So you two should also find the Campbell Manor.”

And with those parting words, Nea closed his eyes again, and Tyki could see that Allen's body was fully asleep again.

_Well, I hope Allen rest well, because we have stuff to discuss now._ Tyki smiled softly, adjusting to craddle gently Allen. _We will protect you, Allen._

Whether it was Tyki's thought, Joyd's, or maybe both; they knew Nea too felt the same. And nothing could make them happier, to know that the Noah within Allen was not so hellbent on destroying him. Not at all, even.

_Now I can only pray that something can be done for the Earl..._

_To be continued..._

Note: Joyd and Nea kind of sneaked in the chapter before I realized; though it is open to interpretation what kind of relation/feelings Joyd and Nea have for each other (could be family, could be platonic, could be queerplatonic, could be romantic).  
The same technically goes for Nea and Allen, as well as Tyki and Nea, but as this is a Poker Pair story and you might be here only for TykiAllen, you can see it as platonic (and otherwise this can be hint that they can have more, whether queerplatonic or romantic, if you want to see it).


	7. Acceptance

Hello dears!

And here it is, the last chapter of Heart in Grief! Its theme is Acceptance, and so finally, Allen has all he needs to accept the truth and move forward.

Before anyone ask, I do not plan to make a sequel out of Heart in Grief. The ending is open, and this is because what Allen discover and how it evolves is not something I want to finalize. The same way, giving more about Nea or past events is not something I want to do, or at least not for this story.

If you are curious, I have applied the same headcanons and background canon au to this story as the one in Meet me Halfway to the End; and I do plan to write two stories, one for Allen's past and one for Nea's life (as well as a third one that would be the origins of the war). You can be curious and ask questions, and I might reply, but I am not likely to spoil anything from those stories. However, as I mentionned, I wanted to leave this story open enough, and that the hints in it were more or less self-explanatory.

Thank you for having read this, and I hope you enjoy this last chapter~!

* * *

 

_ Acceptance _

Fingers brushing his cheek was the first sensation Allen registered as he felt himself wake, and then the warmth of the chest he was cuddled into. He pressed closer, whining lightly, and chuckles came from the chest. Or well, the person who had this chest.

Allen felt like he could just go back to sleep, mind barely awake and body comfortable. Besides, his sleep had been nice, peaceful, and he didn't quite want to wake yet.

The fingers moved from his face, and he made another whine, because no, please, he wanted more of those gentle touches. More chuckles, and a hand petted down his hairs, repeating the movement over and over.

Allen rumbled in contentement, nuzzling closer with a little happy sigh. However, he could tell in the back of his mind, that he was not quite falling back asleep, wakefulness slow to come but indeed coming.

He felt himself being adjusted, and he willingly wiggled up, tucking his face in Tyki's neck. Lips brushed his forehead, and his lips twitched into a little smile.

And for a few moments, they just laid as such, one of Tyki's hand still petting down his hairs, and the other slowly rubbing his back; little kisses sometimes planted on his forehead. It felt peaceful, oh so peaceful, but as Allen started to wake more and more, he felt as if anytime this peaceful feeling would break.

And yet, there was something else, something he could not quiet yet touch, something that whispered it would be fine.

Finally, silver eyes opened, if only halfway, and gazed up, feeling the smile form as he saw soft golden eyes and a little amused smile. “Morning, Shonen.” Tyki greeted, leaning down to kiss Allen's lips.

Allen hummed, eyes closing again at the rather tender kiss, and his mind finished to wake, because Tyki had rarely kissed him so tenderly; but also, there was a sense of… happiness in how Tyki held and kissed him.

When they parted, Allen gaze a confused look at the man, and the Noah laughed a little bit.

“I'm going to make breakfast, Shonen.” He kissed lightly Allen's lips again. “And you should know I had a small chat with Nea.”

Allen widened his eyes. He almost asked who was Nea, but suddenly it hit him, faint memory of meeting the Fourteenth briefly when he had awoken, introducing himself as Nea. Allen had mostly forgotten this, only vaguely recalling it happened, possibly because of the shock of the awakening for his mind. But now, the memory was clearer, reminding him of his name, and of how much he looked like Tyki.

Or was it Tyki who looked like Nea?

When the worry and almost fear started to fill silver eyes, Tyki was quick to add, cupping Allen's cheek with one hand, “Don't worry, Allen. He's not here to hurt you, and he's told me how we can get answers.”

Shock replaced everything else, and deep down Tyki felt bad, that two mornings in a row, Allen was getting such shocks. But then he saw the little hope mixed with hesitation, and he prayed today's shock would turn into relief.

“He… Why do you mean..?” Allen voiced his question, lifting himself a bit to look into Tyki's eyes.

Tyki smiled, genuine, a little bit happy, and it made Allen feel comforted, if still confused. “I'll explain better over breakast. But he doesn't want to erase you. He's just… dealing with an uncooperative Noah's Memory you might say.”

Understanding flashed in Allen's gaze, remembering how Tyki had mentionned Joyd had needed time to adjust, how Tyki wondered if Nea was the same. And so, a smile formed, body relaxing and head falling back to nuzzle Tyki's neck.

“Then you better make food fast, Tyki. I'm hungry and want to hear more.” Allen demanded.

Tyki snorted, petting the white hairs. “That does need that you release me, Shonen.” He teased.

Allen whined, but after a few moments of peaceful silence, he did move, stretching as he just straddled Tyki. His smile was innocent as he gazed down, noticing the little flush of Tyki's skin. He shivered at the hands that rested at his waist, the clear possessiveness and heat in those eyes making Allen's eyebrows lift.

“Food, Tyki.” Allen reminded, blushing just a little bit.

Tyki just stared for a few seconds, as if considering whether to roll them over or not, but he knew that it would be best to have Allen eat and more importantly, know what Nea said. Allen's mood seemed to have lifted, and Tyki felt that he wanted to add even more to the hope that had formed into those silver eyes, sooner rather than later.

So he sighed, smiling and sat up, Allen sliding down his legs a bit. He kissed Allen still, lingering for a bit, and then they finally stood, Allen chuckling as Timcanpy half tackled his chest, nuzzling and making happy chirps.

It was all Allen needed to know for certain that Nea's appearance meant good things. Timcanpy was happy, his own reassurance toward Allen, and still his own dose of comforting.

Allen was truly lucky, wasn't he? Even more that he could have ever hoped for.

* * *

 

Silence fell as Tyki had finished telling Allen about the conversation he had with Nea, though it was comfortable. The white haired was pensive, however there was a warmth in his heart, one that soothed the feeling of being lost that he had gotten since yesterday.

While he still had to come to terms fully with how Mana might be the Earl, Allen now had goals. He now knew to look for Nea in his mind, a presence he had actually started to notice before. And they even had a direction to go to, though they would need to research where this Campbell Manor was.

The name, and the idea of the place, sent a strange nostalgia in his mind that Allen was not sure was Nea's or his. If he was honest, he felt it was both of them. It confused Allen, but despite not having faced Nea yet himself, he found himself trusting Nea's words, Nea's hints of how to know more.

It was not just how Tyki himself admitted he only saw sincerity in Nea's eyes, but it was as if a part of him had righted itself. It was as if the knowledge that Nea's intent had not been to hurt him confirmed the small hope he never knew he had, and deepened his sense of wanting to understand Nea.

Allen had accepted Nea's presence, and it felt as if it had been the only thing Nea had truly needed.

And Allen wondered, mind calmer, if maybe he should just accept that Mana was alive, even if without memories of Allen. Maybe that was what had truly shaken Allen, not that he could think back with more clarity.

Maybe his pain had been that of a lost child that did not understand why his father could not recognize him, when all Allen had eneded was a look. But then he wondered…

Had Mana truly not recognized him? The softness of this gaze, the behavior that got him to instinctively call dad as he woke up to his voice…

Allen didn't want to hope too soon, yet would not this prove that Mana was till present, somehow?

A hand fell on Allen's head, and he startled lightly, snapping his gaze up to meet Tyki's amused but conerned one. “Alright in there, Shonen?”

The younger man blinked, and then he offered a smile, as genuine as it was soft. “Yes, it's quite alright, Tyki.”

Tyki felt a weight he had not realized he possessed lift. _There, finally, this is the smile I have been waiting for._ “Then should we get on the move?”

Allen hummed, then he frowned. “To where first?”

Tyki grinned. “Anywhere. The first town close by. Does it matter?”

Allen blinked, staring at Tyki, and then, he laughed a little bit, slowly smiling.

“You're right, it doesn't. We just move forward, until we are where we want to be.”

**The end**


End file.
